Don't you EAT?!?!

Written October 30, 2012:

As I said in the last entry, sometimes I pretend I don’t understand questions that have to do with my husband or the person wants me to give them money and I’m just not in the mood to make jokes. But most of the time I handle these situations quite differently.

First off- the husband question. Many Volunteers choose to just say they are married and their husband is well. Sometimes this works to end the conversation and other times it leads to questions like “where is your husband? In the US? Oh well then you must take a Togolese husband!” I decided early on that this approach wasn’t for me (unless I’m in some other city where no one knows me and I don’t feel like talking). So I respond to the “How’s your husband?” question by saying the truth, that I’m not married. This is often followed by “Oh you must marry a man from Solla! Before you leave we’ll find you a husband.” Always I say that I’m not searching for one, that’s not why I’m here. But then I take it a step further.

During my training, one of my teachers (a fabulous Togolese woman!) gave me the following idea: whenever anyone asks to marry me, I tell them to buy me a plane. This has since manifested into the following story that I tell to anyone who says they want me to marry them, or their brother, or son or whomever

“Well, as is the custom here, my father insists a dowry if I am to marry someone. And the dowry he demands is a plane. You see, the United States is very far from here and my father wants to know that I can visit him and my family and I can only do that if I have a plane. So, first you buy me a plane and then we can talk marriage.”

This is lead to several amusing proposals such as “see that pile of sticks there? I’ll make a plane with that and I’ll carry you to the US!” or “We’ll talk to the clairvoyants and we’ll go to the US during the night and return before morning” or “we’ll make this lid into a plane and we’ll throw it and you’ll arrive in the US!” Occasionally, the person says that I’ll buy the plane and we’ll give it to my father, but as they already know, that’s not the way dowry works here! (Plus, I obviously cannot afford to buy a plane)

So how does dowry work here? I won’t pretend to have a crystal-clear image of the situation; I’ve only been here a month. All I really know is that the prospective groom gives something to the bride’s family or does some act to show he’s worthy and to help the families bond. I’ll ask around more about this and write another post at a later date.

If I’m in a bummer mood, a little lighthearted discussion about marriage and planes is almost always enough to cheer me up. And, I can pretty much always guarantee that if I leave the house the conversation will come up at some point. Yesterday when I told someone I wasn’t married, the women responded “Don’t you eat?”

I was completely confused. “Of course I eat. I make food at my house,” I told her.

“No, no, no. You must eat here (pointing to the mouth), but you also need to eat here! (pointing to her babymaker) Don’t you eat?!?!”

I was completely caught off guard and had no clever response. All I could do was laugh and walk away.

Then and Now

Written Oct 29, 2012:

It is becoming challenging for me to step out of my daily life and take the time to reflect on everything I’m going through. Quickly things are becoming routine and commonplace and I forget how different my life today is from my life 3 or 4 months ago.  Then I was roadtripping with a friend in the US, able able to communicate easily with anyone I met, to come and go as I pleased, able to travel hundreds of miles in a day if we so desired or find solitude on a mountain hike.

Now I’m lucky if I speak English once a week. Fortunately my French level is decent enough that I’m still able to communicate with people, assuming they speak French- which most men and young people do, but with the older generations, especially women, its rare. And since my local language skills are nowhere near conversational, there are people I encounter on a daily basis where the words we exchange are utterly incomprehensible to the other. I can only get as far as the greetings or say where I’m going or coming from, yet even that is usually enough to get some smiles (especially from some of the marche mamas who seemed to have decided that my new name is “Alafia loo”, the response to most of the greetings). Needless to say, as soon as the conversation goes past my few stock phrases, there’s little I can do but smile, shrug and say I don’t understand. Sometimes I do this even when I do understand, like when the question has to do with my husband or the person wants me to give them money and I’m just not in the mood to make jokes (more on this later).

Now, it takes me an hour to go only 20km and I have to dish out 2000CFA (about $4, which I’ve come to view as expensive) to catch a moto just to get to the nearest town with another Volunteer. Somedays the journey is absolutely necessary, afterall, that’s where my mail is sent. But most days it seems like way too much energy to leave village. And traveling hundreds of miles in a day? Forget about it. Even if I wanted to, travel here is not conducive to long distances or quick arrivals. But I’m okay with that. For now I’m content to rest where I am, at least most days.

As for the mountain hikes, well, I can do that here. But its unlikely I’ll find any solitude in the process. There are people everywhere all the time and when I go for a walk, all eyes are on me. I’ve been sick the last few days and all I wanted was to be able leave the house and walk to the hospital without needing to talk to every person who sees Ouyobekpere  (me). But that would be rude, and so despite the fact that I felt like I was about to Level 10 (Peace Corps lingo for crapping your pants), I still greeted almost everyone I met.

There is one mountain, Siriyobe, where I can find solitude, but it’s supposedly inhabited by gorillas and giant snakes so no one goes there. While I don't fully believe the stories, they only make me more curious about Siriyobe.

But despite the challenges and the occasional discomforts, for the moment I don’t want to be anywhere else. It’s a little confusing when I think that it’s nearing the end of October and no doubt the leaves of the Midwest are in full color (or perhaps already fallen up in the UP). I get nostalgic when I think of the snow that will soon come to the UP, the smell of Autumn and the coming winter, or the aroma of pumpkin pie. Or when I think of tricker-treaters showing up at my parents’ doors back in California or of the Thanksgiving feast my family will soon be sharing.

Most days I try not to think about such things. Because there is also my life to be had here. There are new holidays to learn and embrace, new seasons to follow, new languages to speak and new faces to love.

“There is something to be seen in everything, and all pleasureable; things need not be especially strange or beautiful. One can get high on the dregs of wine, and full with nuts and vegetables. On this principle, where should I not be happy?”

-Su Dongpu